Challenges 1 -Building Male Friendships

I'm detouring a little today from discussing my childhood experiences. I imagine I will do this regularly as incidents take place which highlight the challenges and realizations that come from being transgender.

Right now I'm feeling socially challenged. From the time I was 12 to the time I was 32, my primary social interactions took place within the young women's and women’s groups inside the Mormon Church. Since close male friendships outside of marriage were discouraged, I never really learned how to develop any kind of male friendship deeper than what was required as a coworker or fellow student.

At work, it is not hard at all for me to make friends with the women I interact with. In fact, most of those I'm closest to know about my female past, and have no qualms about it. Making friends with the men, however, is a completely different experience. 

While I've developed some good friendships with men at work, they are superficially based on the shared experiences we’ve had working together. There are a couple of guys, however, with whom I’d like the friendship to be more than just work related. I’d like to know more about the lives they’ve lead, the challenges they’ve overcome, and the experiences that have made them who they are. These are exceptional men with integrity and positive outlooks whom I would like to learn from and emulate. 

The problem is that when trying to spend time to get to know them better, they would inevitably want to know more about my background. I struggle with what I can say and how I can spin it out of fear that if they really know my history, it would negatively affect their view of me. There are some people who would say, “So what? It will let you really know the caliber of these men.” But if I’ve misjudged terribly, their reaction could impact our working relationship, and the atmosphere at work. I’m constantly weighing the benefits and risks of full disclosure with every work relationship I have.

Well I did the benefits/risks weighing with one friendship, and finally decided to go to lunch with one man whom I’ve worked with for over two years. I’ve always been impressed with his professionalism, and the way he handles the stress at work. We’ve talked several times about going to lunch, but I’ve always been hesitant. I finally decided that if I was going to show my whole hand to anyone, he would be the one to try it with first.

That lunch happened four days ago. So how did it go? Well enough, I guess. It is obvious that he is open-minded, and it is also obvious that it will take some time for him to wrap his head around the revelation that I was born female. He asked a lot of questions, but the lunch was over before everything that could be discussed was spoken. There really hasn’t been enough time to see if he will distance himself, or if we are able to develop a closer friendship. It would sure be nice to have a close friend, so I’m remaining hopeful.