Challenges 1 -Building Male Friendships

I'm detouring a little today from discussing my childhood experiences. I imagine I will do this regularly as incidents take place which highlight the challenges and realizations that come from being transgender.

Right now I'm feeling socially challenged. From the time I was 12 to the time I was 32, my primary social interactions took place within the young women's and women’s groups inside the Mormon Church. Since close male friendships outside of marriage were discouraged, I never really learned how to develop any kind of male friendship deeper than what was required as a coworker or fellow student.

At work, it is not hard at all for me to make friends with the women I interact with. In fact, most of those I'm closest to know about my female past, and have no qualms about it. Making friends with the men, however, is a completely different experience. 

While I've developed some good friendships with men at work, they are superficially based on the shared experiences we’ve had working together. There are a couple of guys, however, with whom I’d like the friendship to be more than just work related. I’d like to know more about the lives they’ve lead, the challenges they’ve overcome, and the experiences that have made them who they are. These are exceptional men with integrity and positive outlooks whom I would like to learn from and emulate. 

The problem is that when trying to spend time to get to know them better, they would inevitably want to know more about my background. I struggle with what I can say and how I can spin it out of fear that if they really know my history, it would negatively affect their view of me. There are some people who would say, “So what? It will let you really know the caliber of these men.” But if I’ve misjudged terribly, their reaction could impact our working relationship, and the atmosphere at work. I’m constantly weighing the benefits and risks of full disclosure with every work relationship I have.

Well I did the benefits/risks weighing with one friendship, and finally decided to go to lunch with one man whom I’ve worked with for over two years. I’ve always been impressed with his professionalism, and the way he handles the stress at work. We’ve talked several times about going to lunch, but I’ve always been hesitant. I finally decided that if I was going to show my whole hand to anyone, he would be the one to try it with first.

That lunch happened four days ago. So how did it go? Well enough, I guess. It is obvious that he is open-minded, and it is also obvious that it will take some time for him to wrap his head around the revelation that I was born female. He asked a lot of questions, but the lunch was over before everything that could be discussed was spoken. There really hasn’t been enough time to see if he will distance himself, or if we are able to develop a closer friendship. It would sure be nice to have a close friend, so I’m remaining hopeful.

A Bit of Self Discovery

The summer just before I turned 10, I discovered that there were cool ‘nature’ things to be found in my Indianapolis suburban neighborhood. The creek down the street had crayfish that could be caught in a bucket, inspected for days, and then returned relatively unharmed when my mom discovered them in the garage. I found large grasshoppers were plentiful and easy to catch. They became the subjects of many scientific experiments that would take hours of my time. The corn fields behind my home were explored until my mom forbad me from going in because of her fears that I’d become lost. I also discovered an empty lot where I could find fossils if I sifted through the gravel that covered the ground. It was like discovering buried treasure. Whole afternoons slipped by as I found brachiopods, bryophytes, and crinoids emerging from stone.

One may wonder if I had any friends along on these adventures. The answer is no. I didn’t have close friends at that age. Girls were odd. I couldn’t relate to the things they found interesting. Boys my age would let me hang around them when they had nothing else to do, but they didn’t want to be seen hanging out with a girl too much. I didn’t find either of these issues too disturbing, however. I had no problem keeping myself entertained, and my mom, busy with my 5 younger siblings, was happy to let me roam free.

That summer sticks out in my memory in many ways, but the most important is an ‘a-ha’ moment I had towards the end of summer. I was walking down the road barefoot late one afternoon doing a bit of self analysis. I had spent almost the entire summer able to follow my own interests and think my own thoughts. One thought that came up regularly was my ever present feeling of being male. Up to that point, I couldn’t explain why I felt male, but had a female body. Suddenly, an idea occurred to me. What if my body was female, but my brain was male?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was the best explanation I had for the way I felt. I didn’t share it with anyone. Who would believe me? My mom would have said something like, “Heavenly Father didn’t work that way.” Instead, I just kept the idea in the back of my mind. It was a bit of self discovery that would help later as I worked to know and accept myself fully.

My First 'Aha' Moment

I was standing outside my parent's door late one evening. I would have been around two or three, and I was doing what a lot of young kids do -delaying my bedtime by making a request for something. I don't remember what my exact request was going to be, and I didn't get any words out. Instead, I was stunned by an unexpected sight. I was peeking through the crack at the back of the door, which gave me a view of my father's side of the bed. To my surprise, he was not dressed. As I watched, he stood up and walked into their bathroom.

My worldview was shaken in that short moment. Suddenly I understood why my mom kept insisting that I was a girl like her, and not a boy like my father. He had a piece of anatomy that I was previously unaware of. A piece of anatomy that I did't have.

Before that moment, I was under the assumption that all human bodies were the same, and gender was more a basis of 'personality' -if that is the right word to describe how I perceived gender as a small child. The only people I had seen naked before was my mom and my younger sister, and our bodies all looked the same in general.  Since I was clearly different from them (at least in my mind), I identified with my father gender-wise.

I quickly went back to my room, and lay in the dark pondering this new revelation. The main emotions I remember experiencing were disappointment and sorrow. I didn't want my mom to be right on this matter. I didn't feel like a girl.

A New Year Resolution

So I started this blog a little over a year ago, but like most good intentions, it has sat on the back shelf gathering dust. Over the last year, I have been very involved in several endevors within the trans community of southeast Michigan. There is so much work to be done that I felt 'called' to do the work. From the numerous hours of tran-related activities,  I have learned several things about myself (in no particular order):
-I have a tendancy to take on more assignments than I can physically handle. This is especially true when I see a need for a transgender presence on a planning committee.
-I am not socially gifted. I don't have the talent or prolonged drive to pull people together and turn them into a community through conversation or social interactions.
-My family life has suffered from the amount of time I have put into the trans related activities I've committed to. My wife has been very supportive, but it has created a strain in our relationship.

I've had two weeks of vacation over Christmas to ponder these realizations, and to look ahead towards the upcoming year. I still feel the need to contribute to the trans community, but I realize I need to do it in a way that capitalizes on the strengths I have and the time I'm able to commit. This is why I'm dusting off this blog. One of the themes that keeps coming up in lgbt circles is the need to get our stories out into the public. This is for two reasons: first, it helps others who are going through similar circumstances, and second, it helps the public become more aware and understanding of our lives.

This year I am committing to share stories from my life with the hope that putting my experiences out in cyberspace will add more depth to the existing dialog being shared by transgender people worldwide. My goal is to write at least once a week starting with my childhood experiences growing up in the Mormon Church, and then moving on to my actual transition. Eventually I hope to talk about the fun insights and frustrating moments I continue to experience living as an transman in America.